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Since I’ve been gone, because mental health is still health

I have been suffering for as long as I can remember. There may have been a brief clearing of the fog, but that was when N*SYNC took a ‘temporary hiatus’ and then never came back, SO I was still suffering. Anxiety is funny, it makes you ruin your own life. Anxiety makes you sit there and feel like you are all alone, you are the only living person who feels like this. WHILE AT THE SAME TIME, it makes you sit there and think… okay 40 million whole people also have this, so nobody really cares about mine. What am I going to do? Just go up and be like “man I really feel overwhelmed today” just so someone else can tell me “yeah…me too….and 40 million other people….get over it, it’s normal”.

I cannot make phone calls, I cannot hang out with my friends (no matter how badly I want to), I can’t sleep through the night without an anxiety attack, I cant finish my homework because i’m too anxious to start it because what if I don’t finish it….Does this shit seem normal to you?

It is just a real huge bitch. Unapologetically, Like Big Red in bring it on. She totally stole cheers and left everyone else to fail and she did not give one whole damn about it. A tornado of ginger chaos. It has the ability to ruin everything good, and it is easier said than done to not let it. Anxiety is worrying about the past, present, future, and improbable. I would go out and say that I spend a part-time job amount of time thinking about different scenarios that could happen that week and ruin my life. Things are literally impossible to tell, because you have no idea what other people think or will do. However, my brain does not care, nor does it let me be logical.

I let these feelings sit inside me for fifteen years. Let all the fear, self-doubt, self-hatred, and worry cripple my thoughts and emotions for over one decade. Honestly, I would have let it forever. However, I had a situation happen to me that was the equivalent of taking the cage off a champagne bottle and letting it sit, cork free to do what it wants.

If you do not know what happens when you take the cage off of the cork, let me tell you. The pressure has nothing holding it and it fucking EXPLODES OFF LIKE A ROCKET.

So, yeah, I exploded. I just finally realized that everything I hate about my life, are things I can absolutely change. I (by letting my anxiety be in charge of me) create the situations I am in. My life does NOT have to be like this, I do not have to do things I don’t want to; I do not have to lie to make other people feel better; I literally do not have to feel like this okay? Okay, great.

I had to put myself first, and I still struggle with this. I want to make people happy even if it means I’m not being truthful or being true to myself. It causes me great anxiety to think I am outwardly disappointing someone. But guess what, people are still NEVER happy. So you might as well make yourself happy because they are going to find something to complain about anyway.

I spent the last month or so working on myself, my anxiety, my situations because I know now that you have to. I wish I would have done this a long time ago. It does no good to hide behind your anxiety, out of fear of what people will say (you’re crazy OR you’re just like everyone else). The truth is, you are not like everybody else. 40 million people have the same disease, but they are not the same. Everyone’s situations are different, different things trigger different levels. It does no good to hide because as long as you’re hiding, nobody can help you.

Let me let you in on a little secret……..PEOPLE. CARE. ABOUT. YOU.

You would be surprised at how many people are willing to help you. Your loved ones will absolutely help you get to where you need to be to feel good, and if they don’t help you you may need to some reevaluating. You would be surprised at the love you feel when you finally tell people that your brain is tricking you into thinking you’re dying 7 times every afternoon. Your friends and family will totally be like, yeah thats not at all normal why on earth have you been trying to do this alone?

The relief? You no longer have to. Once you get past this, you can finally start to heal. Your friends and family will work with you in every day situations to make you comfortable, you can start doing things for YOU that will help YOU (yoga, therapy, bad ass self help books, anything that helps YOU), and you can start to live life in a healthy way.

40 million of us may have this, but it does not need to be in charge of us. We have this, and sometimes it is good (without anxiety or fear how would we know we were getting into something thats a little shady), but sometimes it is bad. We do not need to let the bad fester in our mind and make us doubt ourselves and our loved ones.

Quit hiding, quit being ashamed, open up and be honest with everyone in your life. If serious enough (like me) please just finally tell someone how bad it is, and how you want it to change (preferably while skipping the exploding portion). You will be amazed at how quickly and greatly your life can change.

photo by Chiara Pinna

SO, here’s to me. Here’s to you. Here’s to the journey. I hope you’ll be here for mine, and I will always be there for yours. Let make anxiety our bitch.


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  • Reply Tori

    Blessed for your anxiety.

    February 19, 2018 at 8:29 pm
  • Reply Frances

    Why am I just seeing this? I fight anxiety and depression every day. Thank you for sharing your story!

    March 10, 2019 at 3:37 am
    • Reply Madison

      Thank you for opening up and saying you also have it!!

      May 23, 2019 at 2:53 am

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