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New Years Resolutions

I have said it once and I will say it again, New Years resolutions are garbage. They are not a binding contract (I don’t know, they could be, I’m still waiting on final grades and I think I might have failed contracts. EVERYTHING AND NOTHING IS A BINDING CONTRACT) and realistically, nobody is going to hold anybody to their promises.
It’s just an excuse to make a really long facebook post that nobody will laugh at you for because everybody is feeling all spiritual and open, even though as soon as they’re done writing about their new profound outlook on life they’re going to have they’re making fun of Tammy’s chunky super cut highlights.
You’re not fooling me. If I MUSTTT make some resolutions for the new year, I prefer to keep them broad. Otherwise it turns into a weird morbid bucket list with an expiration date. Without any further ado:

Shit that needs to get done in 2018

1. Make more time for the good stuff

I have this weird thing in my brain that has me eat skittles by color. I save the red for last, because its my favorite. Except sometimes I’d be too full to eat the reds one, or someone would want some and all I had left was the reds. Meanwhile I ate, what feels like, 80 pin-sol flavored yellow skittles. I try to get the terrible stuff out of the way, that way I can just enjoy the good. Sometimes though, that leaves no time for the good. So, I want to be done with that. I want to spend more time enjoying the things I love, and less time getting the terrible stuff out of the way (because lets face it, the terrible stuff will never stop coming.

So here’s to more champagne at dinner and less pretending I want THAT water!


2. Make more time for me.

Because, lets face, WE are the good stuff. What is better than us? NOTHING (maybe Dom Perignon). But really, if we cant make ourselves happy, we cannot begin to do anything. We can’t make others truly happy without us being happy. What good does it do for me to go out of my way to make sure everyone is MOSTLY (because nobody will ever be fully) happy, if I get at home and can’t wait to be in bed? Is making other people happy worth your own unhappiness? If the answer is no, then the answer is no. You have to change it. The world is so chaotic, and there are so many things to be unhappy about (woo-hoo!), no need to do it yourself. Let Donald Trump and the fact that Prince Harry will never marry you because he’s marrying a real life American angel princess disappoint you. Don’t let yourself be disappointed because you left no time for what you want to do while making others ungratefully happy.

Amen, tiny matches, Amen. Also purchase these matches by clicking them.

3. Use a tactic I learned from reality television

The word ‘manifest’ was thrown around and I’m not sure thats right, because well, I heard it on Teen Mom. But basically, wishing and hoping is staying in 2017. I want a LOT of things, some easily attainable, some not. So, basically you want something, you see it, you imagine it happening, you feel it, you freaking taste it, then you get it. You gotta put all that stuff out into the universe. You see it, you want it, you imagine yourself having it and you get it. It’s that easy. I’m not sure how it works, maybe the universe does help you, maybe imagining it in your life makes you want it more, I really don’t know. All I know is that Chelsea Houska from teen mom has a pretty great life and if she’s manifesting all that shit, sign me right up. Also Kim Biermann from Real housewives of Atlanta is famous for “ask, believe, receive” and you know what, she’s pretty much got it made too. So SIGN. ME . UP. Ya girl is about to finally get that Louis Vuitton.

Sure, there are more things I want to do. Things like grow this blog, graduate, and other things that are attainable. But those are not things I want to work on, those are just things I want to do. Those things are not resolutions. Those are not things I am promising to change or alter. Those are just things I know I have to do. Kind of like when a person makes a to-do list and puts a bunch of shit on it like, “make a list”, just to make it look like they accomplished something. NAH. Not here. Real goals (that make you work) only.

Share with your friends. Hold them accountable. Subtly tell them that going to the gym has been their resolution since the 9th grade, and that they need to dig a little deeper, or at least look a little cooler by phrasing it differently. Or if you stumble upon this way past new years, still just make the change. Don’t wait for the beginning of the new year, change now that way when the new year rolls around you’re already ahead.

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