Okay, I needed to get that out. I’m full of anger, sadness, restlessness, doubt, and all around crazy. So while I may try to write some advice and tips, I think this will mostly be a brain dump for me because my therapy has been cancelled for two months.
It’s okay to struggle
I have days that are perfectly normal. I wake up and do my routine and everything feels normal. Then, about once every two weeks, I completely melt down. It dawns on me that ‘normal’ means nothing anymore. I miss getting drinks with my friends. I miss volleyball. I miss just running errands. My car legit probably thinks I died I neglect it so much. It’s like wow I don’t need gas anymore?
And then as quickly as I want to go out and do stuff with my friends, I know it’s not right. I know we need to distance. I know everything is opening up for the economy, not because it is safer for us.
I teeter the line of “I need to get out of the house” and “this is the safest thing I can do for my community” every single damn day. The mall opens tomorrow, I need jeans, I want to touch and feel all the clothes. However, just because it’s open doesn’t mean it’s okay for me to go. We need to flatten the curve still, and if other people are going to be going out in extremely large numbers, I don’t necessarily need to be joining them. But I WANT TO, even just once to get it out of my system. This is my daily struggle. A bottle of wine at a restaurant, or public safety? And yes, I have anxiety, so those are the two extremes my brain goes to. If I go out to the mall and one restaurant, and I have covid, I could indirectly infect hundreds.
Then there is work
The questions never stop. When are you going back? What’s the plan? And you know what? I have no idea. I found out we were closing almost two months ago on the news. If you remember, this is literally my dream job. I waited months for this opportunity. I’m literally probably still not finished with my probationary period. All I know is every day that I wake up and I’m not laid off, I breathe a sigh of relief. We are heavily funded by the state, and we are so lucky to have the budget we have. However, we are losing upwards of 4 million dollars in funding. And, as one of the last hires, that does not sound promising for me.
I hold on to hope, this is new for everyone. Our union is trying to save every single staff member, and for that im grateful. All I can do is wait for news until we reopen in June. Waiting has never been my strong suit, but this job is worth waiting for.
I’m an introvert
but NOT like this. I like to be an introvert on my terms. Go out, do some stuff, and then hole up in my room. Stay home, binge my shows, decompress. However this is not what us introverts are used to. Now we have to be home. And everyone has to be home with us. And everyone is collectively trying to stay busy. Sure we’re home, however, there are 100 conversations, 5 home renovations, 47 crafts, and like way less money lol. Recipe for disaster. So you may think this is heaven for us, but trust me it’s not.
How have I been coping?
Honestly, I’m still numb from all of this. I can’t begin to fathom how this will affect us in the long term. I have started an extremely long TV series on Hulu. I’m rewatching Bones for the first time, which is twelve seasons and each season has like over twenty episodes. It feels like I’ll never have time to finish before everything starts back up. Now talk to me if I finish Bones and I’m still trapped inside…. I am not forcing myself to do anything. There are trainings I can do for work, I have books here to read. However, I haven’t been in the mood to do any of it, so I don’t. I feel like a bit of a failure not getting anything done. However, I know my mental health with suffer even more if I sit around doing work I don’t want to. If I just feel like surviving that day, that’s all I do.
I cannot crank out content.
It feels so ungenuine. But I’m not judging people who do. People are really out there chronicling their days and I love it, I love seeing the normalcy and worry in real life people. I just cannot post a throwback pic of myself on vacation and just be like “ugh I’m missing this so much”. Even though I do, I just dont think that’s what people want to see.
With that being said I did revamp my Youtube channel. It was a good outlet to do something fun and show a really nice product. I did it more for me than for others, which I think is the key. It’s a nice release to sit and talk and work through a tutorial or review. Check it out if you want!
I have been working out again.
My gym offered a virtual membership where they upload videos every day, and you get access to every video since they started. I really want to get back to the swing of things I was in before this started. I work out 3-4 times a week, and it just makes me feel better. I struggle because I usually just do short 30-35 minute workouts because I really don’t feel like doing a whole circuit at home alone. I feel like I should be doing more. I sometimes do 15 minute ones when I don’t feel like doing anything at all. I have to remind myself that something is absolutely better than nothing. I don’t have to be 100% all the time. I struggle with it, but that’s just me. So, just remember, something is better than nothing and if you truly feel like doing nothing that’s okay too.
Also, I’m just cleaning the shit out of everything. Nothing is left untouched. Everything is getting cleaned and organized and when I feel like I’m done I just start over from the top.
Anyway, I’ve been typing this for days. My feelings change every day. I used to spend everyday waiting to go back to normal, now I spend every day trying to figure out what normal will even mean. I’m going to stop rambling and start editing another youtube video because that’s what making me happy these days!
Remember, don’t be an asshole. Treat your grocery stores workers like gods, quit littering your damn useless gloves, and just brace yourself whatever our new normal will be!