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My Body Doesn’t Feel Like Mine

Great things come with age, like be able to drink whenever you want, and…. being able to drink whenever you want, and having a favorite spoon…? Getting old is stupid. You have to like go to work everyday or else you can’t afford to be alive, and you’re scared of middle school girls who travel in packs, oh and also your body turns to shit.

Okay, maybe that last one is just me, but fear of middle school girls is all of us. If you’ve been following me for a while, or know me in real life, my weight gain has been fairly obvious. My face is nice and round like a cantaloupe, and sometimes I think I contour it and it looks MORE round. Where is my jawline?? I know everyone pretends to not notice, which is nice-ish. But like, quit invalidating my feelings by telling me “omg you’re not fat” or the worse “You’re so pretty”. So, if you genuinely don’t see it, God bless you, however, I see the scale and I’m the one with a pile of clothes that don’t fit, so I know.

I don’t complain for attention

or for people to tell me how I great I am. I just genuinely complain to myself because I’m not happy and if I hold it, I’ll explode. I have to immediately compare myself to an overstuffed sausage or I’ll die.

It did take like a year for me to get to where to I am, but it happened more rapidly these past couple of months. I was on some medication for a bit that put some LB’s on me. Then these past few months I was growing out of clothes left and right. New outfits I bought wouldn’t even zip a month later. It was so defeating. I had to wear an Old Navy stretchy, swing, cover-up looking dress to a wedding because it was the only dressy thing I could find that would work.

I started working out 5 days a week, and I started eating super healthy lunches, and relatively healthy dinners. In the two weeks that I made those changes I outgrew one new skirt and gained 4 pounds. So I texted my doctor. Because either something might be wrong, or I needed her to hit me with a candlestick in the right part of my brain that would give me amnesia.

I know as you get older, shit changes

High schoolers pull some Jennifers Body type demonic shit and steal our youth and beauty. I had myself ready to promise the soul of a newborn baby to have the body of the hostess at our local restaurant. However, I felt what was happening to me was very unfairly not normal. Too much too fast, and you can ask any child superstar, that is not a good thing. I mean, I am one shake away from having to be on Dr. Phil.

Madison playing sand volleyball outdoor one year ago, showing her body change
one year ago

A possible thyroid problem was brought up and I was so high on the idea that there was something wrong with my body. I have never, and I mean NEVER (I have medical anxiety), hoped for bad blood work before. But everyone was so sure it was a problem. My weight and “fat” neck was the topic of conversation for like 4 days, certain that it was not normal. Well, obviously because I’m the walking Murphy’s Law, nothing was wrong and everyone called me fat for no reason. Which I will be using like a punch card whenever they want something from me. Oh, can I help you clean the house? Remember that one time you thought I got so fat that something was wrong with me? Ask me in 3 more punches.

So now, I’m back to square one.

I will keep doing what I have been trying to do. Just working out, trying to get more cardio, and more closely tracking my meals, and eating healthier options. I know I got to here, so I can get out of here, and damn it I am committed to getting out of here.

I know weight isn’t everything, and I don’t need to look like the girls in the magazines or do crash diets and cleanses. However, I am not happy with the way I look, I hate it and I want to change it for me. The scale can say what it wants, at the end of the day I just want to look good for me.

So if you see me in public or look at my pictures, just know that I know. If you whisper to your friends, or send the occasional screen shot of my body in your group chat, just know I’m WAY in on the joke, I invented the joke. However, I’m working on it so you legally have to cease and desist now and you have to talk about how good I look when Im done. It’s the law.

Madison at a basebeball game sitting down with a glass of wine, displaying her body in a tight tshirt
Older photo, big giant head.

Cheers to working on it! And cheers to not telling me “omg you’re not fat” “you’re so pretty” or anything else. This is about me acknowledging my unhappiness and the journey to fix it! This is totally not going to turn into a fitness journey blog type of deal and I’m not gunna be a fitness coach. However, if you ever have questions, advice, or similar stories I will always appreciate you reaching out and answer any questions!

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2 Comments

  • Reply Richy J

    This inspired me to share a little story about my weight issues. Being heavy and going to the doctor is not a fun thing to deal with. No matter what I go for my weight always takes priority, and I get it, I really do. I’m at an age where it is so much easier to lose weight and get in shape and get ahead of the horrible problems that come with obesity, but when I go to the doctor for a very serious problem and they shrug it off and tell me to lose weight it is so frustrating.

    In May 2017 on Mother’s Day I had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital because I was in such excruciating pain that I couldn’t get out of bed. Oversharing a bit here, but when the nurse asked if I ever felt suicidal I said yes and my back pain was no longer the priority it became my mental health. No matter how much I told them that my mental health would be a lot better if I wasn’t in agonizing pain, they didn’t care. After several hours and many conversations they sent me home with Ibuprofen 800s. A few days later I went to see my family doctor to look into getting an MRI and she told me that the insurance would not approve it and that I will feel better if I lose weight. I was frustrated and felt out of options so I went to a chiropractor who helped me to get an MRI approved. Turns out I had 2 herniated discs in my back and spinal stenosis. I met with a neurosurgeon who took my problems very seriously and prescribed me Percocet because thanks to the fantastic conditions in our country I had to work for the 2 months between ambulance and surgery.
    I know this sort of went off topic but I can’t help but feel that if my doctor would have listened to me instead of seeing a fat guy with backpain I wouldn’t have had to suffer as long.

    My overall point is, good for you recognizing your weight gain and trying to get ahead of it before it becomes something that defines you to those around you. Because that is a reality that truly stinks.

    September 4, 2019 at 9:48 pm
    • Reply Madison

      thank you so much Richy!! For sharing your story, and for your kind words about my journey. You’re the best

      October 2, 2019 at 9:15 pm

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