In my defense, I had planned to write this post last week but life got in the way, as it always does. I am not big on New Years Resolutions, I think they are dumb. Why wait for a certain day to start something I’m never going to follow through on? I can do that today. However, I did feel I wanted to focus on something this year. Less of a resolution, more of a promise to myself.
I wanted to be more authentic, more me. When I started this blogging adventure, there were so many people telling you want to do and how to succeed. “Post this many times a day” “Post this content” “Make your Instagram themed, cohesive, only post if it matches”
Losing a grandparent at any age, I’d imagine, is traumatic. However, (luckily?), I have not lost a grandparent as an adult. Only as a child. I don’t know if thats lucky or not honestly.
I lost my grandpa when I was six years old, and because life is completely unfair, it was a few days before Christmas. If you told me I had to pick one moment in time that changed my life forever, it would be this hands down. I cant help but think of all the ways my life would be different if he was still here. I would have so many different skills, so many different stories, a whole entire different life. However, these are the cards that have been dealt to me, so play them I must.
At this moment in time, a man is being considered for a lifetime appointment to The Supreme Court. This man has three times been accused of sexual harassment/assault since his nomination. His name is Bret and was a frat boy. Obviously. Brett Kavanaugh tried his best to negate the claims, not keeping his cool one bit, and showing he doesn’t have the level head needed to be appointed to the highest court in the land
However, this is not about Brett. This is about Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. Who bravely came forward with her claim and story when Kavanaugh was nominated. Also, I’m sick of the
“huh convenient time to come out don’t you think”
Like, yes, I do think. Survivors probably never want to come forward, but if their attacker was about to get one of the most important seats in the government, that would be the time to come forward.
What makes me happy, you ask?
Whenever I think about what makes me happy, or what would make me happy its always something dramatic.
“I can finally afford that Gucci belt”, “I really want a Louis Vuitton”, “I want to go to Greece”. I’m really an all or nothing bitch, but I’m trying to change that, you wanna know why?
Nothing is permanent. Especially the good stuff. Sometimes, when the fog of anxiety clears, you think it’s all over. You think that it’s over, FINALLY. You come out of a funk, you clean your room and get all the shit off of the floor, and light one decrepit Bath and Body Works candle from 2009 and relax. In a perfect world that is where the credits would roll. BUT we do not live in a perfect world, and the anxiety will come back like some terrible Mean Girls 2 sequel. I sat in my office at work, feeling the walls cave in, on your average Tuesday morning, trying to catch my breath and sweating. If someone had asked me what was wrong the answer would be “nothing” or “I don’t know”, and it wouldn’t be a lie. Generalized anxiety is stupid and it happens any time for any and all reasons.
Then, while scrolling instagram searching for the perfect InStAgRaM story (follow me here), I saw something revolutionary. It was a quote that said:
Ever since I was little I can remember loving the feeling of pressure on me. Not the inside pressure, where I had to decide if I was going to begin my forgery career, or just admit to my teacher my mom did NOT sign my agenda and I would be sitting inside for recess. (I’ll let you choose what one I decided on) What I mean is, like when a friend sits on you in, what I can only assume, an attempt to kill you. They’re screaming at you “DOES THIS HURT??!” and you’re laying there like……ummm…actually it doesn’t and this is great. Same thing as when my cat, on an extremely rare occasion (I’m talking rare like my cousin showers AND brushes his teeth in the same day rare) sits on my chest. Im like, oh my god live here on my chest forever please. It just felt so calming? What an odd thing. Or so I thought.
Turns out….It’s not actually that weird.
It is like an actual thing that helps people. Something about Deep Touch Pressure, and how it can reduce activity in the nervous system, or even go as far as like the pressure, like a hug, releases serotonin and endorphins and other science shit. Nobody ever told me this life changing information. I stumbled upon it when I discovered…*drum roll please*…..
Not be confused with the looking glass self. Instead of the looking glass self, where you conform to what people perceive you to be, what if you could look inside other peoples glass? and see what they perceive themselves to be?
You know those people you follow who have it all together? You know the ones, the ones who did great in high school? The ones who went to college and somehow had a social and academic life? Got married? All while seemingly have not ever had a Itneybray Earspray 2007 meltdown? Yeah, me too, and I envied them forever. Every milestone I hit, I compared to when those perfect people accomplished it. “Only a few years behind” I would tell myself. I just could NOT believe how easily these people got things accomplished, like it was handed to them silver platter after silver platter.
I spent a lot of time envying them. The only things being handed to me were medical bills on a closeout TJMaxx chipped platter. All while I was having meltdown after meltdown. They looked like super models and were taking amazing trips. While I looked like a low budget zombie from Thriller and haven’t even left my bedroom in five consecutive days. I hated them.
Well, I hated them up until about 3 hours ago, until I had an epiphany.
First of all, is it travel anxiety or is it just real ass anxiety? It is almost impossible to tell. I feel like travel anxiety is all your regular anxieties, heightened because of the fact you do not get to be at home. However, whatever it is, its god awful. I almost passed up the opportunity of a lifetime because I was too nervous to leave. Just think of all the things that could go wrong! Do I have something in my carry on thats going to flag me as a terrorist? Is my checked bag being thrown around all willy nilly? What if I miss my flight even though I’m 2 hours early?
So, thats what I did, thought of all the minute things that could go wrong. My friend did the honors of googling the chances of plane crashes, and dying in plane crashes. Which are somewhere in the 1 in 5.5 million of a plane crashing. So, then I had to prepare myself for what to do in the event of a plane crash. They say not to take your stuff with you, but like, I am absolutely taking my stuff. What if we’re stranded on a remote island (somewhere between Ohio and Burbank CA) and I need a blanket, or the 5th Harry Potter book?? Yeah nice try Amanda the flight attendant, but I’ll be taking my stuff.
I have been suffering for as long as I can remember. There may have been a brief clearing of the fog, but that was when N*SYNC took a ‘temporary hiatus’ and then never came back, SO I was still suffering. Anxiety is funny, it makes you ruin your own life. Anxiety makes you sit there and feel like you are all alone, you are the only living person who feels like this. WHILE AT THE SAME TIME, it makes you sit there and think… okay 40 million whole people also have this, so nobody really cares about mine. What am I going to do? Just go up and be like “man I really feel overwhelmed today” just so someone else can tell me “yeah…me too….and 40 million other people….get over it, it’s normal”.
I cannot make phone calls, I cannot hang out with my friends (no matter how badly I want to), I can’t sleep through the night without an anxiety attack, I cant finish my homework because i’m too anxious to start it because what if I don’t finish it….Does this shit seem normal to you?